


A Letter For You

by Sunshinerayy



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Separation Anxiety, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-07-27 11:03:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20044939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunshinerayy/pseuds/Sunshinerayy
Summary: The world hurt you so bad and there's nothing i can do to protect you. Come back to me and let me have the pain you been dealing too, don't do it alone.





	1. Wait for Me

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this while listening to Billie Eilish - I love you. I'm just sad and i can't stop crying thinking about Hanbin. I miss him so much and im sorry if i hurt anyone with this. i honestly dont know if ill make it as a chapter or not but what im sure is that ill delete this in future. and im suck at writing so yeah im really sorry.

A letter for you

Kim Hanbin

I can’t seem to reach you at the moment. I’m sure you turn off your phone with a purpose to not have any kind of connection with the world that done nothing but hurt you. My broken heart can’t deal with this pain but knowing that you hurt the most and there is nothing I can do to save you from this pain, break my heart even more. I mentally exhausted waiting for you to come back to me and hug me and tell me that everything is fine now, selfish, I know I should be the one who got to tell you that but again I can’t get up from this nightmare when you literally my source of happiness and my strength.

My love, you saw it right? Day when we did our concert as a 6 without you. How everyone is crying and wishing you to be there? Honestly I wish for the same thing, for you to be there with us. I’m sure with you around, they’re not going to cry and break down like they did on 27/7/2019. Even Jinhwan hyung crying, and I… I can’t help but get teary. Call me weak when you saw it and laugh at it as much as you want but I won’t call it as a weak but I’ll call it as love instead. I know you can feel my love and our love to you. I love you Hanbin.

Where are you right now love? No one can reach you right now, not even your family. How many days you need? Don’t shut us down like this, don’t throw us away when we are all here waiting for you. Can’t you see how much everyone is still here waiting for you? It’s not only me that wait for you, not only our members waiting for you. There’s thousands of people waiting for you. The guilt you have inside you, let me have it too. Don’t surfer alone Hanbin. We grow up together, we build this beautiful dream together, we shed tears of joy together, we laugh together, we eat together, and we did everything together. So why don’t you share the pain you dealing right now with me? Together like we always did?

I promise I won’t…..

“Jiwon, what are you doing?” He turn around to face the voice. That swollen eyes of Jinhwan greeted him. He can feel the pain in his chest, seeing his hyung cry himself alone till that beautiful eyes get swollen. He take a deep breathe closing the book and hide the secret letter he been writing since day one of Hanbin left their group. He gave a weak smile to Jinhwan. 

“Nothing, try to write new song you know.” Lie. He can’t even wrote anything, he can’t think of anything except Hanbin. He tried and failed miserably, even when Donghyuk is around try to help him out. He still can’t seem to think straight right now. 

“Ji, it hurts.” Here we go again. Every single night after that news broke. He never hated the world this much but ever since that day he can’t calm his anger down. That news not only break his heart, it breaks his beloved hyung soul. He see Jinhwan tears again, like a waterfall it should be beautiful but this waterfall of tears is just too much for his heart to deal with. He turn around, don’t want to see Jinhwan break down again. 

“Hyung, I’m sorry I didn’t know he been struggling. If only I know…” He can’t continue it anymore. As much as he wants to give his hyung the comfort, he can’t deny that he needed it too. He cry again with Jinhwan, take Jinhwan and hugs him. Share the same pain and crying over the same reason, the feeling that can’t be told with any words. He’s weak. 

“Don’t take the blame alone Ji. I failed too, we all did.” Now it’s Jinhwan turn to comfort him. Even though it doesn’t work much, he gladly take this little effort to comfort his broken heart. Not only Hanbin shutting world. He been doing the same thing too. He didn’t talk to anyone except to Jinhwan and Donghyuk. He knows by doing this he hurting others member feelings too but he can’t show himself in this kind of condition. He don’t know what best anymore, who to trust and who should go to and talk to. He lost his other half. 

“Don’t do this Ji, you know they all need you too. They lost their leader and it will break their heart if they lose you too. Please talk to them eh?” He know Jinhwan is begging for him to open up to the other member too. About how he feels, and share the pain with each one of them. They are all literally share the same pain right now. He knows it. 

“I can’t hyung. I should’ve know that he struggle the most, yes I know we all struggle but him… how should I start talking with them?” He crying so hard. He needs few second to finish one sentence. He hug Jinhwan tightly, letting all of his pain to Jinhwan, for his hyung to know how hurt he is inside. 

Jinhwan don’t know what he should do. He try his best to play the role as the eldest in this group this time, but he failed. He let Jiwon hug him and he just be there listen to everything Jiwon got to say. This type of pain that his member dealt with can’t be solve with beautiful lies like it going to be fine don’t worry because he know it too his heart won’t settle if anyone said that to him.

“Hyung, do you know where Hanbin hiding? Cause I miss him so much.” Jinhwan holding his tears. He can’t answer that question. He wish he know where is his baby brother is right now. Hanbin the one they need to protect the most, he might look strong but truth is he is not. Even Chanwoo, the youngest feel the need to protect him, but all of them failed to protect their leader.

“I’m sorry Ji…” He can’t say anything else. He let Jiwon sleep in his arm, dry tears stain on Jiwon face break his heart again. Tomorrow is another day he need to face. Second day of their concert. He feels bad crying in front of everyone. He can’t even do the greeting that Hanbin always did but he need to do it. He wish that tomorrow will be better than today. 

Little did Jiwon know, Jinhwan been reading that secret letter his been writing from the first day Hanbin leave them all. But today, it’s an unfinished letter because Jinhwan disturb his time and Jinhwan wish he could read more of what Jiwon really feels inside.


	2. Comeback to Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing you seems like a habit now, crying for you is no longer strange. Coping is the hardest, pretend that everything will be fine without you is impossible and can't be easy. You teach us everything except how to live without you. Where are you right now? There is so much question that can't be answered right now. It will be fine in the end, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point honestly, the story not going to be relate to what's really happening in real world. And again it not going to be flowery path even in this story. It just gonna get hard each chapter after this and if it best not to read them then don't because i understand. I'm just sad you know, i can't stop thinking the worse scenario and to write it here. I'm really sorry for real.

_Chapter 2_

_ **So I might count every star to where you are. And write you metaphors in millions with all the skies. But really, you just need to know, I miss you. I've still never seen starts like the ones in your eyes.(Niocra Klasflem)** _

_Kim Hanbin_

_Heard from your uncle that you’re home now. I’m glad when I heard it, but I’m a bit disappointed that you didn’t reach any of us. But don’t worry about me, I understand where it’s coming from. Just me being selfish again, hoping that you will reach one of us immediately but I surely understand the reason why you didn’t, just as long as you safe and sound, it’s more than enough for now. I miss you. I know you read each text I sent to you. I hope one day you going to reply it and trust me I’ll wait for that day to come._

_The unfinished letter last time was disturb by Jinhwan hyung. He worried sick about you Hanbin, honestly each one of us but you do know it too how that hyung care about you. You literally his baby brother the one he took care since day 1 he meet you. And I hope you to at least contact him but again I understand. You surely don’t need to do anything that make you uncomfortable baby. We all going to wait for you. _

_Just in case you curious how the other doing, I’m going to tell you. I got a lot of time to write it all you know, anything for you. Hey, I know it’s weird that I been writing this all but the purpose of it is actually to let you know how I really feel. Not by text but more thru writing, I know how much you appreciate when the fans wrote letters for you so I guess I’ll do the same and you going to smile when you read it one fine day. When these painful day past by time and you strong enough to read it all and maybe cry a bit you know?_

_ Baby, your big baby Chanwoo he surely still not used with you not being around, yea I know you not always around since studio is your second house but not having you around literally gone from his sight hit him so hard. Never see him take thing so hard and cry a river in front us, doesn’t seem like Chanwoo we all know. Funny aight? But don’t worry about him worry about yourself more cause Yunhyeong got him most of the time. Oh talking about Yunhyeong hyung, thought he going to break so hard but he didn’t. He so positive with you coming back to us and waiting for you every day with his stupid not so positive words. We coping with this shit differently my love. I know he is not strong too but he tried his best, I’m sure you going to be so proud of him._

_June? He surely still pain in the ass babe. He full of anger and he would scream out of nowhere with that ‘fuck all this shit’ and next thing we all know he breakdown crying like there’s no tomorrow. He surely still mad with all of the things that happened to us all. He need you, so much. You’re his leader forever. No one can change that not even god. And same goes to Donghyuk. I don’t know how to explain to you how hard it is for Donghyuk to take this news. He learned so much from you except learning that his leader is no longer there to lead and correct his mistake, you didn’t teach him correctly how to live without you. I can’t stand listen to him crying and talk highly about you that you will come back stronger. Sounds like he’s actually live in denial. Never see him that weak. _

_And for Jinhwan hyung? I honestly don’t know baby. It’s not my story to tell you about it. I know I told you about everyone else’s story but him. I don’t think I can even write about it. He… he just need you just like I need you._

_I wish to hear something from you soon baby._

He fold the letter and put it in his desk drawer, together with all the other letter that he wrote before. He never missed a day to write a letter for his other half, Kim Hanbin. He can’t seem to process all of the shit that is happening now and then just yet. He not sure when he will learn to accept the truth but if accepting the truth means forgetting Hanbin’s hard work then he will never do it even if it’s what best for them but fuck with that shit honestly. He will never forget, they’re more than just a member and leader, a rapper and a producer, their brotherhood is thicker than the blood itself. And the most important part is, Hanbin is his soul mate, the love of his life.

Bobby let put a sigh. Know that he go deep again and it is not good and this is not the right time for him to do it. He got a lot of work to be done even without Hanbin around. Every things seem to move so quickly and he don’t like it but nothing he can do or says. He powerless and weak.

________________________________

____________________________________

It was a quiet night in their dorm. All of them just sit in the living room watching random movie that is air now aired except for June. Last time they checked his out with his other friends and they surely have no problem with it. Know that everyone need an escape from their reality and it’s been awhile since the last time June is out with his friends. YGE gives them all the free time to have their time alone, free to do anything except create any new scandal that can _ruined _their image even more. _Heartless_.

“Hyung did Hanbin hyung contact you?” Chanwoo break the silent between them, asked Bobby and eyed both Bobby and Jinhwan. The two is the closest to Hanbin and Chanwoo hope that Hanbin at least contact any one of them. He will never get disappointed or feel out from Hanbin’s life if he ever did contact those two and not him. He completely understand how special their relationship is and he right now just miss his Hanbin hyung so much. He only know his hyung updates only thru Hanbin’s uncle or mom which rarely happened. Just three times, one when the day the news broke they told them all that Hanbin is back home, the second update is the hardest because they got the update of Hanbin is nowhere to found and can’t be reach and the last time was few days ago when Hanbin is finally home back to his home with his family and not in a good condition.

“I’m sorry Chanwoo but he didn’t. Let’s wait till he ready eh?” Jinhwan gives Chanwoo the assurance. Not to worry about Hanbin that much and trust their leader that he will eventually contact any one of them. He give a pat on the maknae shoulder that now sit beside him and try to cuddle with him. Jinhwan then look at Bobby who didn’t respond to Chanwoo question, just stare the television blankly.

“I’m actually worried and I got his uneasy feeling about him hyung.” Chanwoo say more. Feel comfortable cuddling with Jinhwan. Lately after the issue broke he feel restless and to get to cuddle with one of his favourite hyung surely calm him a bit.

“I know we all feel the same as you Chanwoo but don’t worry okay? Hanbin is now with his family and I’m sure they will take a good care of him.” Again Jinhwan try to ease the unease heart of his maknae. Or maybe his own heart and worries too. He can’t deny he actually feel the same s Chanwoo too but he believes it just they anxious and worried about Hanbin and nothing much_. He wish._

“I really miss him hyung.” Now it’s Donghyuk who said it and that got Bobby’s attention. Donghyuk eyes get teary again remembering his leader the one that he adore the most. He hugs his own legs, knees close to the chest. Tears roll down without he knows but it is not a weird or rare situation anymore between them all. No one going to judge or belittle his tears and emotion at the moment. They only got each other at moment like this but Hanbin…

“Dongie I know you miss him each one of us miss him too. Don’t cry, it’s going to be okay.” Yunhyeong with his positive words again. Sugar-coat the younger with lies that he himself find it stupid but he need to be strong in order to helps the other even if he actually cry alone, scared of what’s coming in future to all of them without their leader around. He never imagine time like this will come and hit them all. Not when they planed something big for their fans, and knows how happy Hanbin is when he succeed to get all the project proceed back then. But right now everything is just uncertain and fall apart.

“Yun hyung can you not?” Donghyuk hit Yunhyeong arm lightly when the older try to hug him and cuddle him like Chanwoo and Jinhwan doing right now. He not open for that right now because he scared he’s going to burst even more.

“Awww my Dongdong hates me now?!” Yunhyeong try to joke around and actually understand why the younger don’t want it at the moment. And it actually makes them all laugh a bit, seeing how stupid Yunhyeong look right now. Pouting him lips and they all agree that he look ugly.

“We going to get updates from him sooner okay?” Bobby now speak and look at each one of them. Show them his bunny teeth to ease the stress and worries. That is the least he can do right now. He look at each of his members fondly, he can’t imagine if he actually loss each one of them. He can’t take it he thinks. No one going to go out from his sight, each of them he promise to take a good care of them. He failed once and will never repeat the same mistake. He takes the blame fully.

_Hanbin you okay right?_

And it surely going to be a very long night for them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this crap and again I'm sorry.


End file.
